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Ponderings

The sharp sting of ocean brine dominated the wind brushing her lush, auburn curls against her caramel skin. She looked up from her drawing, her soft, seaweed green eyes surveying the ocean stretching out from the cliffs she sat on to kiss the sun sitting low on the horizon. She blinked thoughtfully, then lowered her eyes, pondering her life. She translated her thoughts into additional lines and shades in her sketchbook. More lines traversed the smooth paper, eagerly absorbing the ink she used. The permanence of the ink perfectly coincided with the permanence of the consequences her decisions created.

‘Fitting,’ she thought, smiling sadly.

A single tear rolled down her blushing cheeks onto the paper, following a line of ink and blurring the side of one of the people she unintentionally drew.

Sheba was intact, as well as David… but not Derrick. 

She didn’t bother blotting the dampness, rather letting the accident dry. The creation still came from her body, unintentional or not.

She hadn’t seen Derrick in a while, almost a year had passed since their lips had touched and their voices mingled. 

Her smile widened as she thought of her falcon, for that was her nickname for her…

Her smile faltered as she still wondered what he was to her.

A lover?

Friend?

Love interest?

Her pen flowed again. Under the likeness of Sheba hugging the left side of her paper lay the word, “sister”.

Under David, in between Sheba and Derrick, she found the word, “tender”.

She stared at the word under Derrick, her pen forming a balled tail as it punctured the last letter.

“Death”

She paused, breathing for a moment, then looked up. The sun was lower, slowly pulling the cerulean covers over her head.

‘Mother will be worried.’ The thought floated across her mind.

Closing her sketchbook, she firmly placed it down on the bench she sat on along with her pen. Funny that the word “death” was placed under Derrick when it was David whom she thought about day and night, torturing herself with the image of her unattainable love. Perhaps Derrick was her release the way death is to an ill person, or perhaps it will kill her thinking so much about who he was to her. 

She stood at that thought and meandered to the edge of the cliffs, looking down at the foam fingers reaching up for her. She took a deep breath of the crisp air. She needed a rebirth. As it was for a mother, it would be painful giving her new self life. But she knew that as she beheld her creation, life would begin again. Her old self would never leave, hovering in the background, but it was time for her new soul to blaze the pathway to a new life. She could not keep tugging at these old, painful memories like her puppy at home tugging on the leash to go out for a walk. She needed to live in the present, be confident in her future, and know she had the ability for fight for what she wanted. She would prevail.

The world tilted in such a strange fashion. Never one for acrobatics, she found it strange that she was unnerved by her flight to the sun’s blankets. Hoping to find solace in the heaven’s earthly comfort, she closed her eyes.

“I need release.”

 
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Posted by on January 7, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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They Taste So Sweet

The girl is starving.

She is hungry, depraved, ravenous, famished.

She is insane, crazed, demented, maniacal.

You can even say she is confused, dazed, flustered…

Gone.

This girl has left.

What you see before you is a happy shell, covering the gray, withering life within her, saying she is okay.

But she is not.

You hear it all the time.

“I put on a facade.”

“This isn’t who I really am.”

But this girl is destroyed, torn apart, ripped into tiny pieces…

Gone.

Ask her.

“One person can’t do this to me. I live in the present and for the future. I’m excited for what it holds and what I will do. I AM UNSTOPPABLE.”

But she is very stoppable.

The one thing she yearns to control escapes her fingers.

It controls her.

Whenever this illness seems to fade, it creeps back, squeezing her chest until her heart almost fails.

Logic fails.

One person does this.

It should not be possible but it is.

For one person to wield such unintentional power and unable to relinquish that hold on her.

She fights and bites at the leash he holds, unable to do naught but stare into the eyes of the other.

One desperate to get away, one desperate to let go.

But it will never be. 

That leash will always be pulling and she, helpless like a puppy against her master’s blows, will always be pulled along.

So utter those sweet words to her.

Those empty words that mean nothing.

You know they are only transparent syllables breaking as soon as they leave your mouth.

She knows.

Yet you see her, straining against the leash for your words, hoping they will somehow lift her burden.

But you do not try.

You do not know her depths.

You do not have the stamina, the courage, the breath, the intellect, the wisdom, the love, the affection, the intimacy, the wiles, the compassion, nor the time to break her bonds.

So she will continue to strain… by herself… against the torturous leash. For she does not know what else to do besides lap at the scraps her master leaves her.

Barely enough to keep her from withering away, but your words…

They taste so sweet,

But mean nothing to a girl who is slowly dying from her own heart ache. 

 

 
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Posted by on January 6, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

Greetings

Hi to the world of WordPress.com.

I am Amanda’s new caretaker of her blog. Well, I guess it’s my blog now isn’t it? I will still be linked with Amanda’s Facebook (I’m pretty sure she’ll post everything I write instead of everything immediately posting) so don’t be confused when there are posts and you think, “IT’S AMANDA!” Nope. Just me. Intruding on your wall. She says you guys would like my writing. So…

What you should know is that I’m very passionate. My writing usually is a first draft, occasionally with minor tweaks. This is why I love writing, though. I don’t really have anyone to share my complete thoughts to, so it is amazing when I can feel so much better by just writing a few words. I know there are many people like that out there, and I hope we can share each other’s works and emotions.
Please feel free to comment. I crave the critique and the love. I hope you can identify with what I write and that it touches you.

P.S. My name is in my profile. I don’t want to blatantly just throw it out there. Kinda awkward. But yeah. I’m actually really looking forward to having my own place to write instead of the piles of notebooks next to me. I’ll be posting either today or the next couple of days. Give me a like or comment to just give me a feel of who my audience is.

Thanks!

 
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Posted by on January 6, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

I’m moving on…

Hey all… Just wanted to say that I’m leaving my blog. IT WILL REMAIN ACTIVE, HOWEVER!! I’m just handing it over to another writer who I feel deserves this more than me, and I thought she could just take the reigns of this one instead of making one of her own.

I hope you will eagerly read what she posts because she occasionally has a spark of brilliance evident in her writing (She’ll kill me for that later). Please leave comments and support her ‘cuz she is a little hesitant when writing, but she loves doing it, and you’ll definitely see her passion in her words.

Thanks so much for reading what I have written so far, and it is my hope that you have enjoyed it. Adios and have a happy Monday. :)

-Amanda

 
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Posted by on January 6, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

Sleep Deprivation

The brain really does slip into a world that is usually hidden away by a cloud of restfulness and glorious sleep. For those of us not so lucky, like STEM majors, our mind uncovers neural pathways that just seem to put together the strangest bits of thought from every region of the brain. The brain truly does seem to make an effort to keep the body from collapsing into a immobile, sleeping heap at the bottom of the stairs in the way of students whose brains are also barely keeping their arms from hauling them straight to their beds.

But going back to those random bits of thought under the neural rocks in our brain… Isn’t it strange that we are suddenly hypersensitive to things that really don’t have any relevance in the alternate universe of good sleep? Think about it.

After doing a Genetics lab report from 10 pm to 4am, you go into the bathroom before class. And you go aaaaaalll the way to the back.. you know.. the nice, big stall for the handicap people? So you settle down, make sure you don’t fall in the toilet (guys, let’s pretend you’re taking a crap), and you start your business. Suddenly, you realize… what happens if an ACTUAL handicap person comes in??

HORY SHEET

HORY SHEET

“I could potentially kill someone,” you think. Can you imagine that poor handicap person? No handles or support to help them out…then they slip, fall, and the toilet explodes as they fall on it. All because you were selfish and needed a lavish area to drop your little excrements.

Think about this…. How would you respond to someone if they suddenly said you had moldy brain cells? Like…what?? I mean I don’t know if you know anyone who would actually say that… but your sleep-deprived brain has just asked you a question. You need to answer this question. What. Would. You. Say.

…Well, so do you…

Better to have moldy brain cells than no brain at all.

Yeah well… you have shitty brain cells..oh what now?

Here’s another one… what would you do if you saw someone dancing with a lamp? Like you just go into your room, stretch ‘cuz you’ve had a long day. Then, you go to open your window just for kicks..and you see the neighbor..dancing with a lamp…

…close those the blinds slowly.

But yeah….our brain is ridiculous dontchu think… like…what is it doing thinking about barrels of potatoes rolling down the street? Like what relevance does that have to the fact that I’m about to pass out from exhaustion in my Genetics lab…

Have a happy Saturday!!

 

 
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Posted by on November 10, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Stupidity

You know… It’s absolutely stupid. My mind that is. I say one thing, and when that thing happens, I don’t like it. Like WHAT. ON. EARTH. Is my brain deprived of oxygen? Or am I a masochist? I think it might be both actually. I’m just saying, though. Has that ever happened to you guys? My tiny, cozy little audience? Why does this happen? Maybe we’re all still little children on the inside. We want all the opposites to happen.

Last time something like this happened, I didn’t do anything. I was too young to know what I want. And now? I still don’t know what I want, and it’s frustrating. I don’t know whether to chase after something even if I don’t know if it’s what I want. I wonder what will happen. Maybe I should just let it go away. It’s just hard ya know, letting something familiar go. Something that has been fun and great, but not exactly what you wanted. Maybe the future will have something better for me…maybe not. But right now, I think it’s just best to let time tell.

Relationships certainly can be a hell. Yeah, yeah. It’s another relationship post, but what can you expect? Just yesterday, my relationship/friendship whateverness with my ex was finally cut off. I need to write and think. And you guys are the specials that can read my mind burbles. I honestly think it was the fact that he stopped chasing me is what’s making me sad. But there wasn’t really anything to chase. He’s in Arizona, and I’m in school in North Carolina. What did we expect to happen? I think of life like a movie like everything would follow a script. We would wait for each other, he would surprise visit me and I him…and everything would be ok. But life loves to screw me nice and hard everyday. I have to learn to be more real with myself and not act like everything is a fairy tail. If I do, then I can’t have a boyfriend. I can’t control another person because that’s not the kind of relationship I want. I just don’t when I can re-contact him after all this, or I should at all. Maybe I miss him now, and the emotion will leave altogether. I’ll write again soon. I’m pretty sure this will be my last post about this. I think it would be healthy to let go, but to acknowledge my flaws in a relationship so I can work on them whether it’s in another relationship or one with him. I don’t think he’ll change, though, so no matter how much heart is stinging right now, I have to let go. I shouldn’t have to settle. We’ll see, though. Who knows?

I just would like to thank Alayna, Anissa, and my mother for listening to my endless foolery about this relationship shtuff. They are definitely strong and patient women. I couldn’t ask for more from them.

Now, I’m done ranting. I’m off to see my counselor about some crap I’m dealing with from my painting class. Painting I is not for beginners… I swear it isn’t.

 

 
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Posted by on September 9, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

You leave me wanting

You are a wave in this ocean.

I love when you wash over my little toes as I wriggle them into the sand.

You feel so refreshing when you touch me…

Such an amazing balance cooling my skin from my life burns.

I wish you could stay forever and let me bath in the serenity you bring when you’re with me

….Surrounding me

….Caressing me

….Caring for me.

But just like a wave…

You ebb away from me.

Slowly at first.

Just when I am beginning to enjoy your presence.

You just leave.

Maybe you’re scared to stay and allow me to see your mysteries.

That’s why you run back to the sea’s protection.

And I burn.

I hurt when you leave me.

I wait for you to gather me back into your soothing embrace.

And you do… but after I burn some more.

But I don’t care because you are with me, loving me once more.

And you leave again.

This horrible, painful cycle is something I can’t seem to leave.

I can see your beauty and I would protect you from the oils and garbage that people carelessly throw at you.

But should I continue chasing after something that always slips through my fingers?

Always slinks away from me.

Maybe it’s time to find something sturdier to help protect me from the sun.

Something to enjoy and appreciate…

And protect you from the distance.

But will you come back?

Will you try?

 
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Posted by on August 12, 2013 in Poems, Trains of Thought

 
 
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